That seems to be the way it is, we love you and then that little word “but” which changes everything. It means that bad news is coming, something is ending, or changing, and it probably won’t be good.
In my case the but was followed by “we’ve decided to go with a different bassist” and that was it. They still wanted to talk but what was there to say? At the time I didn’t want to know why they wanted to drop me and I was stunned by the suddenness of it even as I knew exactly what was going to happen when their first text message came my way. I named the band. I set up the locations for the first “alley” photo shoots. I started the Facebook site, the Twitter feed, the web page. I developed the bass parts for all of the songs. In less than five minutes it was gone.
Yet I understand. They wanted to move on. There were a few times when I thought about moving on. Each time I swallowed it back and went on. They were good guys. Good musicians. We were on a mission. When it clicked it was very good. But I was different. Different in faith. Different in life. Different in where I’d been and what I’d experienced. I wanted to rock more, talk about Jesus more, play more blues. I wanted music people could dance to and yet music with a very real and raw edge. I thought we needed to talk to a generation that had next to no idea about the Bible but knew everything about condoms. I don’t know all the behind the scenes stuff but in the end it was “We love you but…” the evangelical Christian way of breaking your heart with a pious spin. It still stings sometimes. It stings as I write this.
By all the world’s rules for bands I’m supposed to hate them and hope they fail without me but that’s not how I am, it’s not what I wish to be. There is no good in defining yourself by your hurts or letting them overwhelm you. There will always be things in life that have no explanation, opportunities that should have been but never came to be, mysteries without immediate answers. There’s a reason behind all of this, a reason yet undiscovered and a plan yet to be revealed. I practice my instrument, pray, pray for them, wait, and trust in God’s love. There is a time and place for me but apparently it’s not where I thought it was going to be. God knows. I need to rest in that.
In the meantime I’m between where a door closes and another opens. It’s an interesting place, the place where trust is formed and love is experienced even as every so often I wonder why.
One Hundred Fifty Knots 