I guess I’m a prude…

these days. I shouldn’t be as I presumably have everything to gain. The rules were written by and for people like me, an American man. Everything with everyone is okay and if that’s not how you want it then you need to shut up and crawl back under your rock.

So why the “prude”.

Its not that I’m the living example of purity. I came of age in the 70’s and basically took part in much that was available. The remnants of the old walls were being kicked down and an army of us surged out of our confines and on to the world. We were possessed, or so we thought, of both freedom and omniscience and we made the best of it. Some did more, some did less, I have no idea who did what and I don’t care but it happened.

We were looking for something, love, acceptance, touch, belonging, intimacy, but all we were offered, or so it seemed was sex, drugs, and rock n roll. It was an enticing lure, great flashes of light, moments of arrival, followed by empty mornings with nothing left except to try to do it again. Whatever it was we were looking for was more than the temporary fix.

And people got hurt, really hurt.

Someone had to pay the bill for all the goodies and apparently it was going to be us. I hurt people and people hurt me. We were struggling to get to the top of the food chain and we became objects of conquest along the way. How far could you go? What could you get from another person without giving? We thought were free but we were really just parasites hanging off each other taking what we could and then leaving when a better host came along.

There is no such thing as “unsex”. Once you have sex with a person they are bound to you and now we understand the chemicals that make this happen. If you go from person to person and use each other as a kind of playground equipment you exponentially increase your risk of sickness, emotional barrenness, and pathos. The more “intimate” you become the less intimacy you are eventually able to experience. Everything you think you want from sex gets less the more you share it with different people.

Nobody told us stuff like that.

The truth is we probably wouldn’t have listened anyway. We thought we knew what we knew and we were certain there was no hook underneath the worm. We didn’t know there were people out there playing with our minds and emotions and souls for no other reason than to make money. We didn’t know that the rules we thought so prudish had come to humanity through the experience of generations of pain. We were young, we were stupid, and we thought we would live forever.

So I guess I’m a prude now.

I can’t change what happened even as I wish I could. There are more than a few people I should apologize to but its probably best that we keep to our separate paths. We had a party, a really big party, and every generation after us has had to clean up the mess.  Most of us regained our senses but by then the damage was still done. It’s tough being a kid, even tougher now because the world is so different and the stakes so much higher largely because of us.

I know better now. Actually I knew better then but just ignored the inner voice.  I see my scars. I see the train coming and I’m trying to push the car full of the people I care for, and people I don’t even know, off the tracks before impact even as I fear I’m too late. If I can’t have the best for my past I want the good for the future.

I guess that makes me, in this strange new world I helped create,  a prude but if it keeps somebody alive I’ll take it.


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